Thursday, March 27, 2008

Paris Hilton, Diapers, & Anger Management

This column originally appeared in the April 4, 2007, edition of The Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop where our April Fool’s Day special has expired. However, since a lot of Rock Bottomites have foolish tendencies year-round, I don’t guess it much matters. Now, lessee what foolishness we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B: See, I need to get a job. I been living with my parents in their singlewide, which gets kinda cramped at times, since I took my GED 'cause school was SO boring. What I'd really like to do is get the kinda job that Paris Hilton has. I can get you to bleach my hair (right now, I have these totally cool blue streaks in it) and get bright blue contacts. I'm not as skinny as Paris Hilton, but I can hold a cellphone up to my ear, look sideways, and carry my dog in a big canvas bag. (It would have to be awful big, since my dog keeps growing.) Somebody told me that Paris gets paid millions of dollars just to show up at some bar opening, since the media go crazy to take her picture and mention that she showed up. That's ALL she has to do! Just show up, smile, look sideways, and talk on her cellphone. How cool a job is THAT? So, where do I apply?—Pearis(burg) Motel 6

Dear P-burg: This is not a real good vocational choice for several reasons. For one thing, you got to live in a big city to do this job effectively. In Rock Bottom, nobody will notice if I bleach your hair, since a high percentage of the Rock Bottom women sport bleached hair themselves. (Note: a lot of them have sworn me to secrecy about it.) Toting a dog ain’t worthy of notice here. Quite a few Rock Bottomites tote around several species of both domestic animals and livestock, since bringing them in to the vet clinic is a darn sight cheaper than having a vet make house call, and nobody gives them a second look. All the kids at rock Bottom High have cellphones against their ears, and nobody can figure out why, since Rock Bottom don’t even have cellphone service. We don’t need it because the town is so small all you got to do is holler and somebody will hear you. Also, Paris Hilton is from one of those big-time hotel families which means she is not only rich plus she can stay free in just about any city since her daddy owns the hotels there. Naturally other folks want to be friends with her in case some of that money rubs off, or at least so they can carry away some of those little motel soaps whenever they get a chance. Now, if you want to get paid for attending a bar opening, there are a couple on the outskirts of Rock Bottom that might be interested if you are skilled at pole-dancing. They don’t pay much, but the manager of one (who would not give his name) said you get to meet lots of interesting and friendly people and lots of them would take pictures of you, but he wanted to make sure you were at least 18 because he can’t afford to get shut down again. All you have to do is show up when the bar opens every night and start dancing.

Dear Ida B: Can y'all tell me where I can buy some of those NASA 900-mile diapers? My Great Aunt Sally Annabelle Lee shore could use a supply. She likes to drive to the Dollar Store and then go out with her lady friends for a lunch, then go grocery shopping. Well, these days, she's had to figure out where all the restrooms are located, the ones with no lines waiting. Thanks for your help!—Bubba

Dear Bubba: It is highly unlikely that your elderly aunt covers 900-miles in a day. You could probably get by with getting her some of the 50-milers, although her mileage may vary. If she’s having trouble finding restrooms, you might want to get her some glasses so she can read the signs. Or, you might consider buying a porta-pottie and installing it in the bed of her pick-up truck. For what works best in her situation, it all depends.

Dear Ida B. After I lost my cool and punched another hole all the way through the doublewide again, my current wife said I’d have to go get counseling or she’d get a dee-vorce. I can’t afford to pay alimony to another ex, so I went. The counselor told me I had to channel my anger. Well, Ida B., I looked all through the TV section and I couldn’t find the anger channel. Is it one of them pay-per-view ones?—Good Ol’ Boy

Dear GOB: You might say that. At least you’re gonna pay plenty if your wife ever talks to my dee-vorce lawyer, Maycomb Philmore Payne. It you don’t shape up, I’m gonna give her his phone number (I get a kick-back on referrals) the next time she comes in for her shampoo and set. Now if you need an outlet to work off your aggression and you really need to punch something, Rosie Bunz down at the Rock Bottom Bakery and Tanning Salon says you can come in and punch down the bread dough after it’s risen the first time. She’s been breaking too many fingernails when she does it and customers have complained about the crunchy things in the bread. She doesn’t think they’ll believe her much longer when she tells them it’s added fiber, so you can provide a needed service. This can be a win-win situation for both of you.

Well, that’s it for another go-round. (Thanks to MH for the inspiration!) Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Frazzled, Messy, & Silent

Starting with this entry, I will post previous columns that appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle. I figure if I wait long enough, I won't be competing with myself. This one, for instance, originally appeared in March 21, 2007.

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, located in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where Spring begins today, which means you can’t blame your bad hair on a tight-fitting sock cap anymore, so you’d best make an appointment at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for our Spring Special. We have had some problems with Daylight Savings Time messing up our appointment schedule. A lot of folks were real hesitant about making early morning appointments because they’d have to leave here before daylight and it would still be too dark for other folks to see how good they looked. Now, lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. Now that both sets of twins and the triplets are in school, I am having a real hard time getting everybody bathed and dressed, their hair combed and their beds made in the morning. Dishwashing and laundry are more than I can handle. Also, the kids are all fussing at me to take them somewhere fun in the evenings. I am at my wit’s end. What do you suggest?—Worn to a Frazzle

Dear Frazzle: The key is to prioritize and organize. First thing, if all the kids get buzz cuts, you will not have to worry about combing hair. We are currently running our “Britney Buzz-Cut” special down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, and we do offer group rates. Don’t worry if your kids are hyperactive and you think they won’t sit still for haircuts. We just duct-tape them all to the wall and pass down the line with our clippers. All you have to do for maintenance is bring them in every other week to let us refresh the cuts. We can do the refreshing in about 5 minutes since we have high speed clippers and industrial strength duct tape.

As for getting them dressed, declare that the family uniform is now sweat pants and sweatshirts. A set of sweats works nicely for play, school, and sleeping. Baring accidents, they shouldn’t have to change clothes more than every four or five days. You can solve the bathing and the something-to-do problem by signing up the whole family for twice-a-week swimming lessons down at the Rock Bottom YMCA. While the kids are in the pool (getting clean as well as learning a useful skill), you gather up all the sweat suits and head for the Rock Bottom Laundry-Matic & Entertainment Center, where you can sit in a recliner and watch you clothes get clean in the big-screen washers and driers. About the time the kids are getting out of the pool, you’ll be back all rested up with their clean sweats.

As for making beds, this is a waste of time with kids. They don’t care about made-up beds. Issue each kid a sleeping bag. Tell them they are to sleep on top of the bedspread, not between the sheets. In the morning, just throw the sleeping bag under the bed and smooth out the bedspread a little. If you’re lucky, the kids will want to sleep on the floor. Weather permitting, you might get them to sleep outside if you call it “camping.” (Don’t forget to lock the door once they’re outside. Kids have a way of sneaking back in.)

I find it hard to believe that your kids eat off dishes. Kids like finger foods and fast food. For happier meals for both them and you, just hand each kid a bag with his or her dinner in it. They will think you got them fast food. For stuff you can’t just hand them, think paper plates—but only for special occasions.

Dear Ida B. Now that spring is here, my singlewide is seriously in need of some spring cleaning. My current husband Bubba has hardly left his recliner for more than a few minutes since Thanksgiving. Consequently, there is a lot of debris in the vicinity of his recliner. Plus there are all those times his spit cup wasn’t exactly where he thought it was. I think I can get him out the door now that fishing season is underway, but how do I get the place cleaned quickly and cheaply while he’s out on the lake?—In a Mess

Dear Messy: Since you live in a singlewide, you have an option that the average homeowner doesn’t have, so I suggest you take advantage of it. First open the window in one end of your singlewide. Then back your truck up to the window. Get several of your muscular relatives to come over and tip your singlewide so that all the debris goes out the window and into the truck’s bed. If they aren’t strong enough to lift it, odds are good that several of them have jacks that can do the job. After the debris is in the truck, you can haul it off to the dump. When you get back home and all the witnesses are gone, call the fire department and report a fire in your dwelling. As soon as you see them coming up your road, build a fire in the space where the recliner was. (Timing is crucial here. If you start the fire too soon, you risk burning up everything; if you start it as they’re coming in the door, you might face legal action.) Anyhow, if you’ve planned correctly, the fire department will turn on the hose and your domicile will be washed clean. Odds are good, though, when your hubby comes in with his mess of fish for you to clean, that he won’t even notice. Men are like that.

Dear Ida B. I was over to the high school the other day to pick up Jethro, Jr., for his early-morning court appearance, and while I was waiting for them to find him, I heard an announcement on the intercom that there’d be a moment of silence and we’d all have to be quiet. Well, we done that. I heard a lot of school have silent minutes now. What I want to know is, how does that work in a class for the deaf?—Jethro, Sr.

Dear JS: I’m not sure, but could be they just can’t make any gestures. At least not any loud ones.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.