Bargains, Art, and Mommy Books

This column originally appeared in the May 28, 2008, edition of the Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom US of A, where we are running our annual summer “Tan Your Hide” special at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. Our tanning tank is ready and waiting for you. Most folks find that a 10-minute dip into our special tanning solution is enough, but if you want to look extra bronze, we can hold you under for a few minutes longer at no extra charge. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. Does Rock Bottom or Slick Water Lake have any good yard sales coming up? I just love to get bargains.—Big Bargain Hunter

 Dear BBH: Rock Bottom residents rarely have yard sales. They are thrifty folk who tend to use everything up or wear it out so bad that it’s unusable before they get rid of it. They never get rid of stuff that has great sentimental value—and almost everything does, which is why you see so many cars on blocks in Rock Bottom yards or appliances on stoops. However, out at Slick Water lake, folks are always getting rid of their old stuff and getting new stuff. They don’t like to have yard sales, though, on account strangers park on their grass and sometimes ask to use the facilities. Our Lady of the Rip-Rap has got around those problems with its annual church “Yard Sail,” wherein all its members pile whatever they don’t want into their boats and sail from one dock to another, either trading off their stuff or selling it to whoever might be waiting on a dock. This is pretty much a win-win situation for everybody and there are bargains to be had if you’re on the right dock at the right time. Whatever don’t sell usually gets dumped in the middle of the lake, and no one is the wiser.

Dear Ida B. I been hearing something about that new art museum in Big Mall City. Seems like they are going to have something called E-phemeral Art, wherein somebody paints on a wall while other folks sit in chairs and watch. Then before long, somebody else comes in and paints over the same thing. My first question: why would anybody sit around and watch somebody paint. My second question: is it because that E-phemeral Art is something like E-ratic Art, wherein somebody paints stuff that might not be fit for public looking-at but folks will look at it anyway so they can tell others how shocked they was to see it?—Not Artsy

Dear Not: I can tell you ain’t from around here. In Rock Bottom, watching somebody else do something is about as much exercise as some folks get. Watching paint dry is pretty exciting for the average Rock Bottomite, but not as much as watching bread rise down at Rosie Bunn’s bakery or watching somebody rebuild a transmission down at the Pitt Brothers Garage (“When it comes to car care, they’re the Pitts!”). Watching the traffic light change colors is pretty exciting, too. My manicurist, Honey Sue Sweetwater, often has a group of men come to watch her give manicures, especially on hot days when her halter-top is skimpier than usual. Folks used to try to watch me give hair-cuts until word got out about some incidents involving scissor pokes in eyes and curling iron burns on the noses. After that, hair-cut watchers moved across the street and watched through binoculars.  

Now what I can’t understand is why them art museum folks have to get somebody to come in and repaint so often. It could be that they don’t use very good paint and it peels off. Or maybe it is some of that E-ratic art and they have to cover it up fast so kids don’t see it and get ideas. Or maybe the only artists they could get ain’t very good and nobody wants to look at what they pain more than once. I asked Art D. Coe, the proprietor of the Rock Bottom Museum of Art what he thought, and he says the next time the wall in the Elvis-on-Velvet room needs repainting, he will put in some benches and charge folks to watch.

Dear Ida B. I heard there is a book about a mommy getting plastic surgery to look better. A plastic surgeon wrote it to drum up some business. Have you thought about writing a book about a mommy going to a beauty shop?—Reader

 Dear Reader: As a matter of fact, I have. Little girls are never too young to learn about looking good. I am at work right now on Mommy Gets a New Look and a Bucket of Bait, which takes place at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. Mainly it is about no matter how good you think you look, there is always room for improvement with a sub-plot about how big hair is making a comeback and some tips on selecting the right bait for the job you expect it to do. My main message, though, is that coming down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop is a better alternative than surgery. It is usually less painful, doesn’t require that you hide until the scars heal, is generally reversible if you don’t like the particular look, and you get to hear the latest gossip, which is hard to do if you are anesthetized.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

~

Burned Food, Mama's Day, Lazy Kids & Cheap Pets

This column appeared in the May 14, 2008, issue of the Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom US of A, where we are running our May Madness sale on selected crawdads that have got too feisty to keep in the bait tank. If you want some bait that will put up a fight, then our crawdads are what you need to put some excitement into your fishing. They are also handy to throw through the window of your ex’s pickup truck if he has been a little late with the alimony checks lately. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. My current new wife keeps trying to tell me that the stuff she cooks is real trendy—blackened catfish, blackened red snapper, etc. I think it is just burned and she plain ol’ cain’t cook. Last night she fixed blackened corn bread, blackened taters, blackened cabbage, and blackened chicken-fried steak. The night before it was blackened spaghetti and meatballs. Do you think she might be trying to tell me something? —Not a Gor-may

Dear Knothead: I think she is telling you that she would like to eat out once in a while. I suggest you take her to a couple of them fancy eating places out at Slick Water Lake so she can see what trendy food is really like. I am wondering why you didn’t notice her cooking before you got hitched. Didn’t y’all indulge in any premarital home-cooking?

Dear Ida B. My sisters took Mama out for Mama’s Day, and all she can talk about is how good they were to her and how all I got her was a chintzy card. I want to make next Mama’s Day memorable for my mama while out-doing whatever my good-for-nothing sisters might do. Do you have any suggestions?—Daughter

Dear Gal: I recommend you bring your mama in down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop on the Saturday before Mama’s Day for our “Make Mama Special” makeover. We’ll do the best we can with what we have to work with, but we will also arrange for several strangers to compliment her throughout the next day on how good she looks, no matter if she looks good or not. You should also take her to the special “Honor Your Mama” service at Rock Bottom Church of the Surging Inner Spirit where all mamas will receive an extra glass of communion wine and a free Bingo card. After the service, there is a special luncheon buffet in the church basement where all mamas will be permitted to jump the line so they will get their food before it cools off or dries out (or both) and hasn’t been sneezed on much by all those suffering allergies. After lunch, you might take her fishing out on Slick Water Lake (Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop will have special gift bait boxes available for sale). If you contract with Captain Hook of Reel’Em In Fishing Tours, he can make sure that she catches a fish on her first try. What he does is have a diver go under the boat and attach a fish to the line that your mama casts. If she is the sort who don’t like to clean fish, for a slight extra charge Captain Hook can arrange for an already cleaned and deboned fish to be attached to her line. It might be possible to have a stretch limo to take her to and from the lake, but that depends on whether or not McCobbers Funeral Home will be using their hearse at the time. Usually they don’t get much advance notice, but if your mama doesn’t mind sharing the ride, McCobbers can still pick y’all up.

Dear Ida B. I might graduate from high school this year and I don’t have any job prospects lined up. Is there anything to do in Rock Bottom that pays good and don’t require much effort?—Takin It EZ

Dear Worthless: The answer to both your questions is no. I suggest you get on a bus and go as far as you can afford. Then get off the bus. The job situation will be better wherever it is you get off. Don’t come back. We have enough of your kind in Rock Bottom so as it is, and we’re always looking for ways to export a few.

Dear Ida B. My kid has been bugging me to get him a pet. I don’t want anything I have to feed and clean up after. I do enough of that for my husband and the kid. What do you suggest in the way of a low maintenance cheap pet?—Concerned Mom

Dear Mom: If your kid has been bugging you to get him a pet, you can’t go wrong with a crawdad. They don’t occupy much space, are cheap to feed, don’t pee all over your carpet, don’t require expensive shots or training, don’t chew up your new shoes, and don’t claw up your furniture. If your kid, gets tired of it, the crawdad becomes bait. Lucky for you, we are running a special on crawdads down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. Hurry on down to get one while the supply lasts.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Cackles, Moos, Sweat, Pirates, and Nekkid Gardening

This column originally appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle on April 30, 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom US of A, where we are running our May Day Hay Day special, wherein we will give you a discount on dying your hair the same color as hay, so if you are helping bale, and you forget to wear a hat, you won’t look as if your hair is covered with hay. It’ll blend right in. Now, lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. My wife and I went to the big city to one of them fancy grocery stores on Old Codger’s Day, wherein those of us over a certain age get a 5% discount. Now my wife is a little over the hill and a little off the scale, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, when she went to one section of the store to get some eggs, all this cackling started over the loudspeakers like the store folks was making fun that she was an old hen (which I will be the first to admit that she is). Then she went to another counter to get some milk and all this mooing come over the loudspeakers like the store folks thought she was an old cow (which I will be the first to admit that she is). What I want to know, Ida B, is how they do that. If all they got to do is press a button, how do I get a job like that? And how do I get my wife to stop being mad at me for laughing?—Mystified

Dear Mystified: Some things are best left a mystery, like why that store wants to insult porky women of a certain age and why you want a job doing that. However, to get your wife to stop being mad, I suggest you present her with a gift certificate for a complete makeover at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. Even if she stays mad at you, at least she will look prettier.

Dear Ida B. My husband Bubba got a job mowing yards over at Slick Water Lake where folks will pay for things like that. He said that his regular job down at the factory don’t pay enough. Anyhow, he is gone two or three evenings a week, and he always comes home hot and sweaty and tired. Sometimes he goes right to bed without saying a word. The last month or two, I have noticed that he don’t have grass on his clothes, his lawn mower is as clean as when he left with it, and he don’t seem to be using any gas in it. In fact, the last two times, it has been raining real hard when he was supposed to be mowing. Last night he came home with lipstick on his collar, which does not usually happen when doing lawn-work. Ida B., do I have a right to be suspicious? If so, what ought I to do?—At Home Wife

Dear Homey: Yes, you have the right to be suspicious. All wives do. I suggest that you tell him that you’ve decided to help with his lawn work. If you do, odds are good that he’ll inform you that he just lost the job. If he doesn’t do that, he might plan to sneak off without you, so make sure you’re waiting in his truck at least an hour before his regular departure time. If he takes off before you can get in the truck, then follow him. Be sure to take a camera because odds are good you will discover some Kodak moments, the pictures of which will help you in the dee-vorce settlement.

Dear Ida B. My husband has gone middle-age crazy, except he’s too old for that. Anyhow, now that he’s retired, he has been thinking up things that he always wanted to do. Recently, he decided that he wanted to be a pirate, so he painted his bass boat black and put a skull and crossbones flag on it and convinced some of his buddies to join him. Well, they have been cruising Slick Water Lake and boarding boats that some of them rich yankees have and robbing them. He says they can afford it and if they report him, who is gonna believe their boat was attacked by pirates in the middle of Slick Water Lake. Anyhow, what should I do with the money he has been bringing home and stuffing under the mattress?—Captain Hook’s Wife

Dear Hooker: You should take the money and spend it down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. If you let it accumulate, the next thing you know, he will spend it on a parrot which you will end up cleaning up after. Plus you will have to listen to the thing screech and holler if it doesn’t go on the boat with him.

Dear Ida B. I just found out that May 3 is “Garden Naked Day.” Does anybody celebrate it in Rock Bottom and if so, where? And are they good-lookin’ gals?—Ben Leerin

Dear Leery Old Coot: There are good reasons why folks don’t garden nekkid in Rock Bottom. Three of them are ticks, chiggers, and sunburn. A full-body sunburn is not fun on account there is no way to sit so you are comfortable. Add in some itchy, crawly critters and the misery increases. The good-lookin’ gals will either be out on Slick Water Lake or else they’ll be down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop so they’ll qualify to be called good-lookin’. They won’t be gardening.

Well, that’s it for another go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

~

Problem Toys, Saggy Parts, & Spring Festivities

This column originally appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle on April 16. 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom US of A, where we are running our “Bucket of Bait, Bucket of Beauty” special wherein we will give you a 10% discount on all the beauty products and bait you can stuff into a bucket. We provide the bucket; please do not bring your own. We have had problems in the past with folks bringing in their own big buckets. (Note: the scoop pan of a front-end loader is not a bucket, no matter how many folks call it one.) Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I am having trouble getting my kids to pick up their toys. I have told my kids “It makes Mommy sad when you don’t pick up their toys and I have to pick them up myself,” but the kids just say, “So?” and go on leaving their toys out. What’s a tired mother to do?—Sadder

Dear Sadder But Soon To Be Wiser: Tell them kids that you are only going to pick up the toys one more time. Then it will be their problem. When they leave the toys out, pick them up, put them in a box and tote that box to Goodwill. When the kids pitch a fit about their missing toys, you say, “So? I told you it was going to be your problem.” After you make the donation to Goodwill, stop in at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. Ain’t nothing cures sadness like a new hair-do.

Dear Ida B. I am thinking of getting a face lift, a tummy tuck, and maybe some other cosmetic improvements to tighten up my saggy parts. What do you think?—Needs Some Uplift

Dear Needy: I think you need to visit Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, which is a whole lot cheaper than all that surgery and usually don’t hurt near as much. Plus, if you don’t like the result, it won’t take long for your hair to grow out and you can start over. With the surgery, though, once you get yourself tightened up all over, you have to worry about sagging again, so you can’t enjoy it. And you can only get things tightened up so much until you run out of skin. What I recommend is a complete makeover at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. What most folks notice anyhow is your hair. If you got a lot of wrinkles, we can style your bangs to cover them. If you got a saggy neck, we can style your hair around it. Up at the Rock Bottom House of Polyester and Industrial Strength Undergarments, you can get one of them “boost-ee-ays,” which pushes up all your sags and makes it look like you got cleavage you never imagined you had. Instead of waiting weeks for all the cosmetic surgery to take effect and the bruises to heal, with the right hair-do and the right foundation garment, you can be good to go in a few hours.

Dear Ida B. Now that spring is here, will there be any festivities in Rock Bottom? I just love to get involved in the culture of a region.—Tourist

Dear You-Obviously-Ain’t-From-Around-Here: The town of Rock Bottom does not have festivals. We ain’t got enough parking places for residents, much less for tourists who just want to be entertained for free and not spend money at all the business establishments. Plus everybody is too busy to put on a festival, which often requires some money up-front that nobody has much of to begin with. However, if it’s involvement you want, a couple of the local agrarian professionals are having a Spring Fling. It seems the manure spreader they share has broke down, and they need to get certain bovine organic matter onto their fields or else they will have to spend money on fertilizer. For a small admission charge, you are welcome to join fellow tourists in the manure-flinging contest. Prizes will be given for those who fling the farthest distance, those who fling the most, and those who fling with the best style. To show our support for those who participate in the Fling, we are offering a manicure special down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. We guarantee to remove all traces of the manure from under your fingernails or at least disguise it with enough coats of nail polish so that nobody notices. There was some talk about voting on a “Miss Manure Fling Festival,” but for some reason, nobody entered. This is a shame, mainly because I could have made some money on pageant hair-dos.

Most of the festivals around here are at Slick Water Lake, where numerous committees have formed to think up new festivals to have. The latest one is the Lower Depths Art Festival, wherein participants are encouraged to remove the biggest piece of debris they can find from the lake, mount it on a pedestal (or frame it, if that is possible), give it some classy name, and enter it as a piece of sculpture in an art festival devoted to lake art. The sculptures will then be sold to the highest bidders, which will raise some money as well as cleaning up the lake. Plus they’ll serve lots of wine. After you have a couple of drinks, you will be able to appreciate the art better. At least that has been my experience.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Porking Down, Designer Dawgs, & Tornado Gifts

This column originally appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle on April 2, 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are running our “April Fool’s Day Special,” so if you are tired of looking foolish, come on down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop and get yourself fixed up to look decent. We’ll do the best we can. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I have porked up considerable this winter, what with my desk job and all. Since I am always either behind a desk or behind a counter or else I hide my extra pounds under my winter coat, nobody has noticed except my husband who has learned to keep his mouth shut if he wants to live happily. My vacation is coming up soon, and I want to go to someplace where I can enjoy fresh air and exercise, but I can’t afford a spa and I don’t want a lot of folks to see the way I look now until I get my girlish figure back. Do you have any ideas?—ButterBall

Dear BB: You are in luck, as well as all the other gals in your same situation. In fact, you have a couple of alternatives. Haywood “Hay” Fields, one of the local agrarian professionals, is always on the outlook to make a few extra bucks, especially since he needs to replace his mule that just died. While he was in Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop the other day to get his manicure from Honey Sue Sweetwater, he happened to see a magazine open to an article about how city folks will pay big money to go on “farm vacations” and participate in all farm work just like they are members of the family, only they don’t complain near as much. Anyhow, he figured he could offer a farm vacation a lot cheaper than those professional farm places (plus no one around here would pay a lot for the experience), so he is opening his farm this spring for folks who want the ultimate farm experience. He just asks that you pay a modest fee for room, board, and any damages you might cause.
Here is part of the schedule he has worked out and printed up in his brochure:

• 5:30 AM: A Country-Style Breakfast, consisting of bacon and eggs (both fried in hog grease), biscuits, and coffee. If you don’t like that, it is too bad. No substitutions allowed.
• 6:00 AM: Country Living Seminar: A collection of tips to keep you from being kicked, bit, pecked, or trampled while you enjoy your fresh air and exercise.
• 6:15 AM: Milking the cows. Don’t worry you’ll get the hang of it. This udderly charming chore involves coordination, stretching, and flexibility. Your hands get a good workout.
• 6:45 AM: Weight lifting: You carry the cans of milk to the creamery.
• 7:00 AM: More weight lifting: You slop hogs and fork down hay from the loft.
• 7:20: Speed and agility training: You feed the chickens and keep out of reach of a particularly mean and fast rooster.
• 7:25: Coordination training: You collect eggs while chickens are eating and rooster is hopefully distracted.
• 7:40: Advanced strength and agility training: You will be hitched to a plow which you will pull until all 40 acres are done.
• Noon: Dinner (It ain’t called “lunch” in rural America)

And so on. Anyhow, you will no doubt lose plenty of weight and get toned up, and Haywood Fields will make a little money and get his farmwork done, so this is a win-win situation for all concerned. On the off chance that you don’t lose as much weight as you want, come on in to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for our “Big Hair” special. We have learned that under a head of big hair, your body will look smaller by comparison. Or at least folks will be looking at your hair and not your body.

Dear Ida B. I seen in the paper that mixed breed dawgs are bringing in piles of money, if you call them “designer dogs” instead of mutts. You would not believe how much folks will give for labradoodles, goldendoodles, pekeapoos, and I don’t know what all. Now I have got a dog that is half-pit bull and half spitz, so I figure she is a spitz-pits or maybe a pit-spitz and is now worth a durn sight more than the $5 I give for her. If I breed her to my neighbor’s shizu, what ought I to call the puppies and how much ought I to ask for them? Also, I have noticed the smaller the dawg, the more it costs, so if somebody don’t buy a dawg at all, how much should they pay?—Doggedly Designing

Dear DD: Some of my customers down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop
discussed this at length (it was a slow day for gossip) and concluded that you should call them “free” because that particular combination of breeds ain’t what everyone wants. I think that answers the second part of your question, too.

Dear Ida B. A recent tornado lifted up my singlewide and took it I don’t know where. However, the same tornado plunked down a doublewide right near where my former singlewide was. Despite the rips in the Elvis-on-Velvet paintings and the crack in the big screen TV, it’s a lot nicer than what I had. Can I keep it?—Can’t Believe My Luck

Dear Lucky: That depends on a lot of variables. Do you know who the original owner was and is he likely to come after you? If the original owner has already received a hefty settlement from his insurance company, he’d probably be glad to let you keep it. (The original owner wasn’t still in the doublewide, was he?) The trouble is, in acts of Providence like this, it’s hard to make a judgment call without knowing all the facts. Good luck.

That’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

~

Rip-Rap Religion, Zucchini, & Elvis in Kudzu

This column originally appeared in the March 18, 2008, Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where spring is about to happen after a couple of false starts this winter, so we are running our “Easter Chick” special. If you’re a chick who wants to look extra special for Easter, some on down and we’ll fix you up. Remember that on Easter, you will be seen at church by lots of folks who only come once or twice a year so they likely don’t see you all that often. If you don’t want them to have the wrong impression about how you generally look, you’d better take advantage of our special. Everyone else is, so you’ll look bad by comparison if you don’t. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. We are about to return from Florida to our Slick Water Lake condo in time for Easter and look forward to attending services at Our Lady of the Rip-Rap. We have heard that some changes have been made at Our Lady. Can you tell us what they are?—Wants to Know

Dear Wanting: Father Rocky Shore was just in Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop the other day to get his moustache trimmed, and he is proud to announce the upgrades that the church decor committee has made to the confessionals. It seems that some folks were worried that what they confessed might be overheard and possibly recorded by others, so Our Lady of the Rip-Rap now features state of the art touch screen confessionals with stadium seating that features cup-holders for your communion wine. All you got to do is go in, lean back and study the screen in front of you until you see some sins or transgressions you might have committed. Then just touch the screen by each sin you have committed since the last time you confessed and your confession goes straight to Father Rocky Shore’s computer. He will text message back your penance or absolution or whatever. He says he hopes that you will not be too distracted by the ads that appear at the top of the screen, but the church gets a good deal for running them. Also, it is not necessary to touch the screen more than once for each sin. Even if you have committed some several times, just touch once no matter how proud you are of them. Otherwise it jams up the machine. Before long, the committee hopes to have all the confessionals wi-fi complaint, so you can surf the net while you try to remember what sins you committed.

Father Shore also reports that communion has picked up considerably now that parishioners are offered a choice between domestic and imported communion wine.
If you have been gone awhile, you do need to know that Our Lady of the Rip-Rap now offers reserved seating, so if you go in and see a pew that has a plaque with somebody’s name on it, that means it has already been reserved for the season. I suggest you call the Rip-Rap ticket office and make your reservations now. Otherwise, the ticket scalpers in the parking lot will charge you a lot more than you probably want to pay.

Finally, the service planning committee unanimously voted that this year’s Easter sunrise service will be held at 10:00 a.m. instead of the actual sunrise because nobody wanted to get up that early.

Dear Ida B. This morning, I got a call from my wife while she was shopping at the Rock Bottom All-Mart. She said they had a sale on zucchinis and she was thinking about getting one on account she had never tried one before. She asked me what I thought. Well, naturally, I said “Do whatever you want, honey,” knowing that she’d do it anyway and there weren’t no call to give her something else to fuss about. I have seen lots of pictures of young gals in those zucchini things in the swimsuit issue of a magazine down at the barber shop, and I sure do admire how they look. But the problem is that my wife ain’t no spring chicken anymore, and come summer when she puts that zucchini on, a lot of her is gonna be falling out of it. When we go to the beach for our vacation, I’m worried that a wave might knock it off. What do I do when she puts it on to model for me? I just know she’s gonna ask me if it makes her look fat, and I can only lie so much.—Worried

Dear Worried: As soon as we got your e-mail down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty and Live Bait Shop, we commenced to laughing. Then we discussed the problem. Then we laughed some more. All I can say is that you don’t really have a problem. Well, you do have problems—but not the one you asked about.

Dear Ida B. I live out in Kudzu Canyon so I am surrounded by the stuff. I got to studying how the kudzu sometimes looks like people and stuff. Just the other day, I swear I seen Elvis in the kudzu with his guitar and everything. Right next to him was Dolly Parton and Abraham Lincoln and a grizzly bear. I am thinking about buying up all the land around here with kudzu on it and opening the first kudzu museum. What do you think?—Andre P. Newer

Dear Stupid: I have to admit the idea kinda grows on you, but you got to consider that kudzu grows over at least half the county—and maybe more by the time you read this. Who is gonna pay for what they can see for free every time they look out their window? You might see Elvis in the kudzu now, but by tomorrow morning, he ain’t gonna look like himself. The problem with kudzu is that it don’t stay still long enough for you to admire it for what you think it looks like. If you got money to spend, come on down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop and invest in a bucket of bait.

That’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free, except when it's in my book.

~

Family Confusion, Flying Outhouses, & Saving Time

The following column appeared in the March 4, 2008, edition of the Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are running our “Madder Than a March Hair” special because high winds this month can play havoc with your hair. We have ordered an extra truckload of our heavy-duty hairspray to keep your hairdo in place no matter how high the wind. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. My husband run off with another woman and no sooner than we got dee-vorced, he married her. Before long, I noticed how good-looking her brother was, and since he was dee-vorced, one thing led to another and we got married, thus making my ex, my brother-in-law and my son, my nephew. Well, my son got interested in my current husband’s daughter, so he ended up married to his step-sister, which might make him his own brother-in-law as well as his own cousin. Then my daughter, who is now my niece by marriage, has always been attracted to older men, so she married the ex-husband of her daddy’s current wife, who happens to be my third cousin twice removed. My question is, how do we handle family reunions?—Confused

Dear Confused: You handle them very carefully.

Dear Ida B. I know that March winds can be rough on hairdos, but it don’t do some buildings no good either. What is the proper etiquette if you happen to be walking by an outhouse which the wind blows away with somebody in it? Do you pretend you didn’t see anything, or what?—More Confused

Dear MC: This is a touchy situation. Best thing is to pretend not to notice unless the occupant is hollering for help. Of course, if the outhouse is airborne, there ain’t a lot of ways you can help anyhow, except maybe dial 911 and report a UFO (Unidentified Flying Outhouse). Also, don’t stand where you think it will come down. Being pinned down by an occupied outhouse can be a sticky—as well as stinky—situation, and it won’t do your hairdo any good. Best thing if this happens to you is to come straight to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for repairs which the owner of the outhouse really ought to have to pay for.

Dear Ida B. I hear tell that Daylight Saving Time starts up in a week or so, and I am wondering how we are expected to save it. It ain’t like you can put time in the bank and have it draw interest. Also, what are we saving it for? It ain’t a lot you can do with it, because there are still only 24 hours in a day, whether we save any or not. Or are we saving it FROM something? Is time gonna go extinct? This whole mess confuses me, Ida B. Why can’t folks what don’t like the way daylight is distributed throughout the day just sleep later or get up earlier or something? Plus, it ain’t like you can reset a rooster. He’s gonna crow when the sun comes up regardless of what the clock says. I am also confused by this time share stuff. I bought a time share at one of them fancy Slick Water Lake condos and I no sooner moved in than some other family moved in, too. Now I didn’t mind sharing their food and beer, which they certainly brung enough of, but I hate sharing a bed with them on account they snore louder than I do. —Can’t make Heads or Tails of Nothing

Dear Nothing: You ask way too many questions and I am doing several perms today down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, so I don’t have much free time to answer them all. I suggest you throw away your clocks, watches, and other time-keeping devices and rely on your rooster. That way, you won’t think about your time problem so much. If you bring the rooster into the condo, you might get rid of the other time-sharers, especially if you let him perch on the head of the bed. However, that will cut off your supply of shared food. After discussing your letter with my customers down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop (which was difficult with all the driers we got running today), we have decided you got too much time on your hands and you ought to spend it fishing. Lucky for you we are running our spring red worm special this week, so come on down and pick some up. Just don’t bring the rooster. I don’t need him eating up all my stock before you have paid for it.

Dear Ida B. Even though I am sorta married (Beulie Sue and me has been having problems but she ain’t dee-vorced me yet), I was at a bar the other night and met this real good looking woman. After maybe bragging to her how much I was worth and all (I only added two digits to my income), she invited me to come to her place. Well, after she cooked me a gor-may meal and we watched her big screen TV, we got to know each other better, if you get my drift. Well, to make a long story short, I fell asleep. Now Ida B., like most red-blooded American males, I sleep with my mouth open. Whilst I was doing so, her cat got my tongue. Well, the tip of it. I looked and never did find it. I have suffered a lot of anguish, especially at the bar where the guys make fun of how I talk. Should I sue this woman for my missing tongue tip and the mental suffering it has caused.—Tongue-Tied

Dear TT: If you had kept your mouth shut in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m pretty sure the answer about what to do is right on the tip of your tongue—Oh, I guess it can’t be on what ain’t there, can it?

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free (but not if you buy it in book form).

Cheap Candy, Satellite Spies, & Facebook Mama

This post originally appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle on February 20, 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where my manicurist, Honey Sue Sweetwater, has been swamped with potential customers wanting to partake of her wedding consultant business. She wants me to point out that her time is valuable and she can’t be giving free advice unless you are getting your nails done. When the last coat of polish dries, your consultation time is up unless you are willing to pay extra. She also finds that she is having to repeat herself a lot, so she has compiled a list of her top hints. Here are two of the most popular:

• If the wedding involves mud-wrestling, white or pastel colors ain’t a good choice for the bride’s dress (and/or coveralls) or those of her bridesmaids (unless she doesn’t like them).
• A flowing train is likely to either get tangled in the wheels or be grabbed onto by dogs chasing you if you’re riding on the back of your new hubby’s ATV or tractor when you leave the reception. Also, while it looks more elegant to ride “side-saddle,” you are more apt to slip off, so hike up your dress and ride astride. It ain’t like most of your guests ain’t seen bare legs before. When it comes down to elegance or safety, go with safety.

Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. My boyfriend didn’t get me any good stuff for Valentine’s Day—just a box of candy that had been marked down (and which he ate most of), a bouquet of flowers that I know for a fact he took off a grave at Rock Bottom Cemetery, and some balloons that had “Happy Fortieth Birthday” printed on them. Do you think he is trying to tell me something?—Lovelorn

Dear Loveworn: Yes. He is trying to tell you that he is a cheapskate. If I were you, I’d believe him. I suggest you to come right down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, where we will give you a classy new look guaranteed to attract a classier type of guy. Of course, any guy will be classier than the one you got now, which I suggest you dump as quickly as possible. Also, we want to hear all the details about how you dumped him. The gossip here lately is going through a dry spell and your contribution will help.

Dear Ida B. I heard there is a bunch of satty-lights circling the earth and taking pictures of I don’t know what all. They say you can get on a computer and look up particular neighborhoods and zoom right in. Now, Ida B., I don’t have one of them computers on account I don’t trust new-fangled stuff and a CB radio is all the communication device I need (especially since I don’t have to run up the light bill to use it and the antenna really spiffs up my truck), but my wife has been acting kinda odd (OK, mad as a wet hen) lately and I was wondering if she might have said something the last time she got her hair done. Do you reckon she might have got onto a computer and saw something that she thinks I might have done and it certainly might look like I done but I can explain if she says she saw it?—Rube

Dear Boob: Do you mean the computer we have down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop where you wife comes every Wednesday morning for her shampoo and set so she’ll look good for prayer meeting that night? If so, yes, it is possible that she might have seen something, might have remarked about what she saw, might have received sympathy and advice from those of us down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, and—as soon as her hair was dry—might have high-tailed it over to the office of my dee-vorce lawyer, Maycomb Philmore Payne, to have a little discussion about your activities. Everybody down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop is anxious to hear what kind of a good explanation you’ll come up with, and we can’t wait for next Wednesday when she comes back in to tell us. The consensus down here is that you ain’t got a prayer.

Dear Ida B. When my youngest boy went off to college, I wanted to keep up with what he was doing, but I didn’t want him to know that I was snooping. Anyhow, I got me a Facebook page where I pretended to be a hot young thing and he “friended” me and we got to chatting on a regular basis as if I was a hot coed. That’s how come I know about how much he drinks, what parties he goes to, what classes she skips, and how he’s getting Ds instead of the As and Bs he told us he was getting, and all. The problem is that he wants to meet me and for us to start dating. What should I do?—Old enough to be his mother because I am!

Dear Oldie: Well, most of my customers have discussed this at length and say you might tell him what he doesn’t want to hear—namely that you are a 45-year-old guy. That ought to discourage him. However, my manicurist, Honey Sue Sweetwater, says if you don’t want to do that, she will be glad to take over your Facebook Page and even go out with him if he is good-looking and y’all give him a generous allowance. Honey Sue is real thoughtful that way. She is also real experienced at “friending” guys, though she prefers face to face rather than by the book.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free. If you'd like to pay for it, however, you might buy Peevish Advice or More Peevish Advice.

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Pulling Plugs, Amen Bingo, TV, & Sow Ears

This post originally appeared on February 6, 2008, in the Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where my manicurist, Honey Sue Sweetwater, wants to announce that she has become a wedding planner as well as a manicurist. The two careers actually complement each other on account she can talk about your wedding plans while she paints your nails. She is real good at multi-tasking like that. Given the success of a certain show on the CMT channel, a lot of Rock Bottom couples who were just gonna go out and get hitched as cheaply as possible are now trying to out-do each other when it comes to the actual wedding. Some are even thinking in terms of taping the ceremony and selling the tapes on eBay. Anyhow, if there is money to be made, Honey Sue Sweetwater is there for you. If you’re thinking about getting hitched, whether as a repeater or as a first-timer, come talk to Honey Sue. If you’re currently a first-timer who wants to be a repeater (only with a different spouse), my dee-vorce lawyer, Maycomb Philmore Payne, is running a special this week and will be glad to consult with you after you pay his retainer which you should do in unmarked bills in a plain envelope. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. My kids got all these fancy electronical stuff for Christmas and now they’re always plugged in to something. They can’t even hear me nag them while they’re involved with their earphones, cellphones, some kind of game playing thing-a-mabob, and their laptops. What should I do to get their attention?—Tuned-out Mama

Dear Ma: How about pulling a few plugs? That’ll get their attention real quick. On the other hand, this might not be a good idea. It might give them ideas in a couple of decades when you’re on life support. Most of the mamas down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop can’t figure why would you want your teenagers’ attention anyhow? Usually they only pay attention to you if they want money or want to complain about something. If they’re quiet and you know where they are, count your blessings.

Dear Ida B. What’s up with the Rock Bottom Church of the Surging Inner Spirit? I hear attendance is way up?—Can’t Believe It

Dear Unbeliever: Yep, it’s true. Thanks to a recent innovation the place has been packed the last couple of Sundays and nobody is sleeping through the Reverend Al E. Looyah’s sermons like they used to. Since the Rev. Al instituted what he likes to call “Amen Bingo,” both attendance and attentiveness have perked up substantially. How it works it this: attendees are sold Bingo cards when they enter. During the sermon, Rev. Al E. will periodically pause mid-sentence to call out a Bingo number which his wife Glorie-Hallie draws from the baptismal font and discretely hands him. When somebody wins, they have to call out “Amen!” instead of “Bingo!” for it to count, and then a new game starts. The winners have to wait until the service is over before they go to the special “Amen Corner” to collect their winnings. This is a win-win situation for everybody. The church makes some extra money from the sale of Bingo cards, the place is packed, everybody stays awake, and a few folks get their prayers answered right on the spot.

Dear Ida B. I hear tell that the TV I finally paid off last year ain’t gonna work once them TV stations start sending out them Digi-Tell signals instead of the Annie-Log signals that they now send out. Is this some wild rumor or what? If I get one of them new TVs, what’s to stop the TV folks from thinking up another way of sending out signals? Ida B, me and my wife and dozen or so kids (hers, mine, and ours—although I think a few neighbor kids sneaked in and might be passing theirselves off as ours) and our assorted in-laws are simple folk who cain’t afford to be shelling out money every time we feel the need to be entertained. Do you have any suggestions to help us out?—Stressed

Dear Stressed: With so many folks at your home, I don’t see how you can watch TV much anyhow, what with all the noise, fighting kids, in-laws, etc., that you are bound to have around. I suggest you sell the TV to one of the neighbors before they realize that it will soon be out-dated. If there is a show you really want to watch, it will be easier to go down to the Rock Bottom Appliance Emporium and watch one of their demos. If they ask you to leave, you just say that you haven’t made up your mind yet and move over to the next TV.

Dear Ida B. Is that old saying true that you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear? If you can, would this be a good science fair project?—Curious & Desperate

Dear C&D: Yep, it’s true. Unless you can somehow get a passel of silkworms to infest a sow’s ear and cover it with silk, you had better give up on this idea as a science fair project. Now if you needed a home-ec project, you might be able to make the sow’s ear into a one-of-a-kind designer pigskin purse, but make sure the ear is not still attached to the sow when you try this. For all y’all other kids that haven’t thought up your science fair projects yet, Alma Motter, the principal of Rock Bottom High School, was just in to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for her twice-weekly root touch-up, and she said that no longer can kids have projects based on any home-brew recipes nor can they have projects based on the effects of loud music on crop growth. She is tired of being raided for one and having to listen to the other.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Cheese Cutting, Groundhogs, & Wedding Do-Overs

This column originally appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle on January 23, 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are running our annual “Hat Hair Repair” special for all y’all who have had trouble maintaining your up-do under winter weather conditions. You would be surprised at what we can do with industrial strength hairspray and a little super glue. All we ask is that you don’t put your hat back on until everything has dried. Otherwise, you might be making a permanent commitment to that hat. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. Several months ago, you said that committees had formed at Our Lady of the Rip-Rap to determine what cheese would be served on the communion wafers to properly accent the communion wine. Did you ever hear if they made a decision?—Cheese Whiz

Dear Whizzy: Last I heard from Father Rocky Shore was that committees are still working on this. So far, the only cheese they’ve flat out rejected is limburger. Until a final cheesy decision is made, several choices are being offered, based on what’s on special on Saturday at Rock Bottom Shoppette. Last Sunday, for example, they had brie, cheddar, havarti, and edam. The week before that they had a bunch of bottles of that squeeze cheese, but most folks thought that wasn’t classy enough, especially since you had to squeeze the bottle yourself and some folks got a little greedy.

Also, a faction has arisen regarding spreadable cheese versus sliceable cheese. One group argues that folks can spread the spreadable cheese themselves pretty quick, whereas cutting the cheese takes time and some cut it too big unless there’s one designated cheese-cutter, which places an undue burden on that person. The other group argues that those spreading their own cheese might also take advantage and take too big a helping, and having a designated spreader would also be an undue burden.

Anyhow, until things are worked out, they are going to try to offer four choices each communion (two spreadable, two sliceable, depending on what’s on special), but you are only allowed to commune once so you got to decide in advance which cheese you want on your wafer. Father Shore says the security cameras will be recording those who go through more than one line, and he will expect to see the transgressors at confession.

Dear Ida B. Now that Christmas and New Years are over, what is the next big holiday in Rock Bottom?—Needs to Celebrate Something

Dear Needy: You must be new in town or you would know that Ground Hog Day is a special holiday here in Rock Bottom. I generally run a “Come Out of Hiding and Get Fixed Up” special here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for all the folks who didn’t get out all winter and it shows. There are always plenty of festivities, including a tractor-pull and Bingo tournament.

Also, there is usually a contest to guess the time the groundhog comes out, so you might want to buy your ticket early before all the best times are taken. One year, they had a beauty pageant at the groundhog hole, but the bathing suit competition didn’t work too good, what will the sub-freezing temperatures and all. This year, Rock Bottom Poet Laureate Anna Motter Peyah will open the ceremonies with the epic poem she composed to celebrate the groundhog’s achievements, so most folks plan on being late to this year’s ceremony.

If the groundhog don’t show up, Mayor Portius Peabody always has a back-up rodent in the back of his pick-up, so the show will go on. He says for y’all not to bring any dawgs with you no matter how much they want to attend on account it don’t look good if some critter attacks the groundhog (or its substitute) before it gets a good look at its shadow or lack thereof.

Dear Ida B. Flossie-Mae and me just watched that new show, “My Big Redneck Wedding” down at Rock Bottom Appliance Emporium. Somehow our electric got cut off again, but we figured we needed a night out on the town so that’s how we come to see it. We always wanted a big wedding to make all my in-laws jealous and to maybe make a little money while we’re at it, so we really want to get on that show. Do you know if them TV people take folks that might already be married but ain’t sure?

Here’s the situation: Me and Flossie-Mae had us an outdoor wedding last November, but I think we didn’t get totally nuptualized. There is a real possibility that I didn’t say “I do,” on account a trophy buck came into my sights about that time—or if I did say it, the blast from my 30.06 drowned out what I said. Also, the preacher fell out of his deer stand right before he finished the ceremony, so nobody heard any man-and-wife pronouncement, just the scream and the thud. Plus, everybody had such a good time at the reception that nobody remembers much about it. Therefore, I think we qualify for a wedding do-over.

Anyhow, Ida B, the TV people say that the bride must be at least 18, and Flossie-Mae is durn close. We got all the things they are looking for and more—dawgs, hawgs, ATVs, guns, home-made liquid refreshment (and I ain’t talking lemonade, if you get my drift), relatives what don’t get along real good with each other, several ex-wives, suitable locations for mud-wrassling, etc. I’m thinking instead of a fall wedding, we could have it in the summer so the bridesmaids can wear Daisy Duke outfits instead of coveralls. What do you think?—Do-Over Guy

Dear Done-It: While I would love to have the hair business to get y’all’s wedding party into shape (The “Daisy Duke” look is one of our hairstyle specialties down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop), plus I could provide some real good bait-based bridesmaids’ gifts, the bad news is that y’all are considered man and wife in the eyes of Rock Bottom whether or not all the wedding technicalities took place. Also, the TV people have already taped all the shows they need. The best I can suggest is that one anniversary y’all might recreate the wedding of your dreams and hope it attracts media attention. If you do, remember that all of us down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop will do what we can to make y’all look good for the occasion.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Resolutions, Running Around, & Body Art

This was originally published on January 9, 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are having our annual New Year’s sale on old bait and old hair products. You can save a bundle on whatever we got that is about to expire or that won’t survive another freezing and thawing if the power goes off again. Also, we are running our regular “New Year, New You, New Start” special on complete make-overs, wherein you won’t even know yourself by the time we get done with you. Neither will most of your friends or relatives, so it gives y’all a good chance to upgrade to a higher class of acquaintances or avoid all those pesky in-laws what was giving you grief if that is what you want to do. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I always have trouble keeping my New Year’s resolutions. Do you have any ideas how I can keep them?—Temptation

Dear Tempted: If you resolve to get your hair done weekly at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait shop, we will call to remind you several times of your appointment. That should be an easy resolution to keep. Otherwise, you have two options: You should just resolve to do things that you want to do anyhow, or you should resolve not to make any resolutions.

Dear Ida B. I suspected my current wife Lu-Rhetta June was running around on me, and when I heard from a mostly reliable source (her previous husband) that she was seeing some man out at Slick Water Lake, I got in my boat and went to check things out. Well, Ida B, after I’d found a place in a little cove to watch from, I could see pretty plain through them big winders what they was doing. To start off, they was drinking beer out of a glass, which seems like a big waste on account the bottles are so convenient. I figgered that man she was with weren’t up to no good, because he poured the beer for her hisself rather than making her serve him. After they’d had a few beers, they commenced to dancing, and they danced closer and closer. It was hard to tell who was which, they was so close-dancing. Then I saw something that I just couldn’t believe! It surprised me so much I like have swallered my chaw right in mid-chew! All around my boat were the biggest durn stripers I ever seen! Musta been fifteen or twenty—all trophy size! Well, my chaw kindly stuck in my throat, so I commenced to coughing. That caused the fish to swim away and the man to close the blinds. What I need to know, Ida B, is what is the best bait to use for fish that big? I plan to take my rod and a whole bucket of bait the next time I suspect Lu-Rhetta June of running around. I can always get another wife, but it’s not often I get a chance to catch a really big fish.—Anxious

Dear Anxious: You are in luck! Down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, we are currently running our clearance special on our winter stock, so we can give you a big bucket of all our most popular bait. We will give you enough red worms, night crawlers, crawdads, and I don’t know what all, that will meet all your bait needs for any circumstance. No matter how picky them Slick Water stripers might be, there will surely be something in the bucket that will appeal to them. As for Lu-Rhetta June, you might tell her to come on down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for a new look to make her more appealing, too.

Dear Ida B. My boy Bubba, Jr. wants to get hisself tattooed. I have told him that this is a mistake and he will regret it, but he says all the other over-age kids in 7th grade have body art and he feels left out. He wants to be a trend-setter as well as a crowd follower. What should I do?—Concerned Mama

Dear Ma: Sometimes you gotta let kids make one mistake so they don’t make a lot more. It helps if you can control the mistake to make it more of a learning experience. If he wants to follow the trend of body art while at the same time also setting a trend, he will be in an awkward position. Therefore, what I recommend you do is take him down to Rock Bottom Livestock Supply and Body Art Emporium and have him get their “branding” special. This particular procedure is much faster and cheaper than a tattoo. Granted they don’t have a lot of designs to choose from, but they use genuine antique branding irons, it is quick—and mostly germ-free because of the high heat required, and I can pretty much guarantee you that your boy won’t want to go through the process ever again. The price will be based on how many employees are required to hold him down during the procedure, but it will still be cheaper than a tattoo.

That’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Regifting, Fake Trees, Odds, & Decor

This column was originally published on Dec. 26, 2007.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are trying to recuperate from all that Christmas shopping and decorating and consumption of Christmas spirits, so we are running our “Ring in the New Year” piercing special, wherein we will insert a ring most places you might want to put one, although there are a few places we won’t go. We do have standards here. Also, we are running our “New Year’s Hair Resolution Surprise” special wherein we will give your hair a new color from an unmarked package of dye. We got a real good deal on some unidentified colors, and we will pass on our savings to y’all. You just might be surprised at how good you’ll look, or at least you’ll be surprised somehow. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. This Christmas I got a lot of nice presents that I can’t use and I’m too embarrassed to ask the givers where they bought them or if I can have the receipts to return them. What should I do?—Overly Gifted

Dear Over-burdened: I have addressed the issue of re-gifting before, so pay attention this time. This is how re-gifting works. I hope you carefully unwrapped your gifts and didn’t just rip them open. You can save a bundle by reusing the wrappings. Before you start the re-gifting process, make a note of who gave you what, what it was wrapped in, and what color ribbon it had. Iron out all the paper and ribbon so it looks more or less new. Carefully alter the gift tags so the “from” is changed to “to” on each tag and vice-versa. Decide who you think would like which present, or at least who will take what you give them. Then wrap that present in paper that the recipient didn’t use and tie with a ribbon that wasn’t used with the original wrapping. Add the newly-altered gift tag. Do this for all the gifts that you got. If you are lucky, everything will come out even and your Christmas gifts are taken care of eleven months early, and it didn’t cost you a cent. You might want to make notes of who’s getting what (some folks who have been doing this for years and who have a lot of friends keep a computer database) so you won’t make any mistakes when you re-gift the following year. Once you get in the swing of things, you can keep passing gifts around until they become valuable antiques. An alternate way of re-gifting is to not open any of your gifts at all when you get them, especially if in-laws that you don’t much like gave them to you and you have no faith in their taste whatsoever. Just put on new tags that assign each giver a different gift than the one they gave. Of course, a problem is that they might all be doing the same thing as or that some of the gifts might be perishable food items, but that is just a chance you have to take.
If all of y’all would just get each other gift certificates for services here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait shop, everybody would be happy with what they got and there wouldn’t be none of this re-gifting necessary. After all, who can’t use either beauty services or bait, or a combination thereof?

Dear Ida B. How do you store an artificial Christmas tree so it will look nice the following year and not all bent out of shape?—Neat Freak

Dear Freaky: You don’t. You take the decorations off and store them. Then you get a nice pot and stick the undecorated tree in it. For the next eleven months, it will be an artificial houseplant. If you want to do something seasonal with it, hang some hearts on it in February, some shamrocks on it in March, some eggs on it in April, etc., but that really isn’t necessary.

Dear Ida B. What are the odds that we’ll have a snowy winter this year?—Weather-watcher

Dear Needs Watching: The odds of anything—whether it’s the weather or whether it’s getting away with something you ought not be doing—are always 50-50. Either it will or it won’t. The exception to the 50-50 odds is the work we do down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, where odds are good that you will look much better when you leave than when you came in. Thanks to the industrial-quality hairspray we use, your new hair-do will stand up to the fiercest winter winds and will be able to hold its shape under several inches of snow if we get any and if you don’t have sense enough to go inside during a blizzard.

Dear Ida B. I just decorated my basement rec room for our New Year’s Eve party. I had to take down all them red and green streamers that we had up for the Christmas party and replace them with blue and white streamers for New Year’s. My husband and kids are always wanting to celebrate holidays but they are too busy to help with decorating. What can I do?—Too Busy Mom

Dear Over-worked: The idea is to leave up some of the old decorations. Never take down the white streamers at all. After New Year’s, take down the blue and add red for Valentine’s Day. Then take down the red streamers and add green for St. Patrick’s Day. Leave the white and green up and add yellow and blue for Easter. Then take the green and yellow down and add red for Fourth of July. You get the idea. If someone is having a wedding at your house, try to get the bridesmaids to wear dresses in whatever color is already hanging up. That shouldn’t be difficult because one of the rules of throwing a wedding is that bridesmaids have to dress tacky to make the bride look better.

Culture, Left-overs, & Red Worm Wreaths

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are running our pre-Christmas special, “Deck Your Hair With Boughs of Holly,” wherein we will artfully arrange cuttings from the holly tree out behind Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop to give your hair the festive look that you sets you apart from all the other folks with festive looks. This year, we promise to wash the holly first, so we don’t have bird dropping on leaves like happened last year. Also this year, we will not use large branches, so all y’all who toppled over into punch bowls last year will not have to worry about being top-heavy. We are also running our “Hair for the Holidays” special for men, wherein we glue hair onto bald spots, but call to check for availability before you come in. If we know what color you are looking for, we can manage to save it instead of sweeping it out the door like we usually do. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. Is anything of a cultural nature happening in Rock Bottom?—High-Toned

Hi, Tony: As a matter of fact, we have a Rock Bottom literary event on the horizon. Upson Downer’s new inspirational memoir, Life’s a Downer, will be hot off the press soon. Not the printing press. His book was actually published last year, but—as he was trucking the thousand copies home from the printer—a storm came up and soaked all the boxes in the back of his open pick-up where they have remained damp ever since. Luckily Stanley “Spot” Lifter, owner of Rock Bottom Dry Cleaners, who rarely gets any business because folks just throw their clothes into their washing machine and hope for the best, has an industrial-type pressing machine and promises to iron out all the damp, wrinkled pages in time for Upson’s reading and signing at the Rock Bottom Livestock Market sometime before Christmas. We are not able to give an exact date for this event on account some buyers have not yet picked up their cows. Keep in mind that previous book readings and signings have not gone over too well in Rock Bottom because if an author reads the book to them, folks figure out they don’t need to buy it since they’ve already heard the good parts. Also, signing is not a very exciting spectator sport. Most Rock Bottomites like events with some action, preferably events that involved hollering, fighting, shooting, racing, and betting—none of which are likely to happen at book-signings. Even worse, spectators ain’t likely to buy bait or get their hair done beforehand, so it doesn’t profit us here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop either.

Dear Ida B. I will be hosting a dinner party during the holidays. Could you give me some suggestions to make the event less stressful? I’m attending a series of dinner parties before I give mine, and I don’t know when I’ll find time to prepare.—Still Getting Over Thanksgiving

Dear Get-Over-It: Don’t try to recycle your Thanksgiving leftovers, even though the green mold on the turkey will certainly give your dinner a festive look. If you haven’t fed your Thanksgiving leftovers to your dawg, now is the time to do so. If you don’t have a dawg, you ought to get one. Dawgs are invaluable to help with clean-up when you spill stuff, and they help persuade your guests not to overstay their welcome. Also, if anybody gives you a fruitcake as a hostess gift, the dawg can take care of it. Just in case you ain’t been previously warned, never eat a gift fruitcake. Some have been passed around through various Rock Bottom/Slick Water Lake homes for years. If you are attending a bunch of other dinner parties, you’re in luck. Just carry a large handbag with a bunch of plastic containers inside. When nobody is looking, just scrape some of whatever’s being served into your containers. When you get home, combine the contents of all your containers into a casserole and put plenty of grated cheese on top. If it’s dessert, again mix everything together and smother the result in whipped cream. If anybody asks what you’re serving, just say it’s a secret family recipe. Before your dinner party, be sure to stop in at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for a whole new look. If your guests are busy admiring how good you look, they won’t pay much attention to what you’re serving.

Dear Ida B. What can you suggest in the way of a door decoration that embodies the holiday spirit?—Needs Help

Dear Needy: You can’t go wrong with one of our red worm wreaths from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. It’s simple yet elegant. When it’s too cold to go fishing, we sometimes have an overstock of red worms that tend to take over the bait tank, so a couple of years ago, my manicurist, Honey Sue Sweetwater, got the idea of duct-taping them to a wreath, tucking a few evergreens behind them, and hanging them up. Those wriggly worms add an interactive effect that is so popular in decorations nowadays, but they don’t do annoying things like singing whenever anyone walks by. Plus, if Santa brings anybody in your household a new fishing pole, they can always go fishing with the worms who survive the holidays. (Note: Do not hang the wreath in direct sunlight, and be sure to moisten occasionally.) If you got a lot of grabby grandkids who are always tearing up your decorations and popping them in their mouths, a red worm wreath is a sure-fire cure for that. (You can coax the remaining worms to just lean over a little and no one will notice a few are missing.)

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free. Y’all have a Merry Christmas, here?

~

Redneck Humor, Communion, Bad Books, & Parades

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are running our after-Thanksgiving special, “Up-dos That Will Take Folks’ Eyes Off Your Thighs Because You Pigged Out On Cakes and Pies,” for folks who ate all those extra helpings at Thanksgiving. All of us down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop naturally couldn’t take off all those extra pounds, but we were able to increase hair-do heights enough to create an illusion of thinness. (Note: For all y’all who partook of the special but subsequently didn’t heed our warnings regarding ceiling fans or low ceilings, we will repair the damage during our pre-Christmas make-overs.) Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I hear you write redneck humor. So how’s that working for you?—Your buddy, Dr. P.

Dear Philsie: Not as good as it works for Jeff Foxworthy. Good thing I’ve got Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop to fall back on. (P.S. Thanks for that big tip you gave me last time you came in.)

Dear Ida B. Is anything happening at Our Lady of the Rip-Rap Church out at Slick Water Lake? You rarely mention it anymore.—Wintering in Boca

Dear Boca Babe: What a coincidence! A couple of my customers were just mentioning that Father Rocky Shore is planning another Communion Wine-Tasting Party, on account the one last year was so popular. If this year’s is another hit, they might even go to a Communion Wine Festival in future years. Also this year, because so many folks requested it, Our Lady will have cheese to go on the communion wafers. A committee has formed to decide on what kinds of cheese to offer and if the cheese should be local or imported. They have figured that it will be cheaper to buy in bulk, so they are looking for volunteers to cut the cheese right before each service. The committee working on the proposal to offer fat-free high-fiber wafers hasn’t made a final decision yet. The annual Our Lady of the Rip-Rap Blessing of the Jet Skis had to be postponed because it rained and nobody wanted to get wet during the event.

Dear Ida B. What is going on in our schools!? The other day my grand daughter came home with this awful book that she had checked out of the Rock Bottom Elementary School library. That book was the awfullest thing I ever saw and not fit for kids to read! It was all about parental neglect, cannibalism, violence, and witchcraft! How do we get books such as this “Hansel and Gretel” book out of our schools?—Concerned Gramma

Dear Granny: Not to worry. Nowadays, the average kid ain’t likely to pick up a book and read it anyhow. Unless the teachers or parents tell them not to. You haven’t told your grand daughter not to read it, have you? If you did, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.

Dear Ida B. I hear that Rock Bottom Town Council is really clamping down on entries Christmas parade this year, but I didn’t hear all the details. What gives?—I Luvva Parade

Dear Luvvie: There’s a lot of new regulations, but the one that affects many is the one that says any manure spreader that is used as the basis for a float needs to be washed out good before it is decorated. A lot of folks last year didn’t clean theirs real good, and some folks who sat on the front row along the parade route so they could get first dibs on candy that was slung their way weren’t happy with what was actually slung their way. The parade committee is still getting the fall-out. Also, floats actually need to be Christmas themed. Any float that appeared in last summer’s Fourth of July parade will not be eligible for prizes, no matter how many elves you might have dancing around a cardboard Statue of Liberty. Also trying to pass off Uncle Sam as Santa Claus doesn’t work, despite the white beard on both. Finally, no matter how bad you want to show off your new John Deere, you got to have a float behind it. Trying to say your float fell off so you can go the route is not good enough. Good luck with your entry.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Hanging Bodies, Yankee Re-education & Security

This column originally appeared in the Smith Mountain Eagle on November 14, 2007.

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we’re about midway between two major eating holidays, Halloween and Thanksgiving. For Halloween, it didn’t matter much what your hair looked like, but looks are important for Thanksgiving when all those relatives you haven’t seen since last year descend on your house and cast a critical eye on your housekeeping, your cooking, and your looks—specifically how much older you look than you did last year. While we can’t do much about your green bean and mushroom soup casserole or the stains on your carpet, we can get you fixed up enough that your relatives won’t insult your looks as much as they’re generally capable of. So come on down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop where we’re running our “Makeover to be Thankful For” special. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Yo, Ida B. Whassup with all the violence here in the country? I mean, I moved my wife and kids out of a certain big Eastern city (initials might be N & Y) to get away from vermin and dead bodies. And what do I find here? Vermin and dead bodies! Man, like what gives?
My kids put up a bird feeder and all I see eatin’ outta it is bushy-tailed rats. I mean, city rats got naked tails, at least where we come from. Whassup with that? And the dead bodies. All over the sides of the roads. Where we come from, the bodies were in the streets and on sidewalks. (Or maybe in the East River weighted down with cinder blocks. Not that I have ever been involved with that!) At least your dead bodies have the decency to die beside the road. My kids, however, don’t like this any more than they did the city. They’re upset enough not havin’ sidewalks.

And now, Willie-Bob-Hank-Bubba next door got a dead body hanging in his front yard. Whassup with that? My kid’s all upset ‘cuz there’s this dead body bleeding all over the dirt. Gives him flashbacks to—uh, just forget I mentioned the flashbacks, OK? And it’s got horns coming out of its head. Is this some kind of demon that lives in these parts? I somehow thought the country life would be safer. You been here a while, Ida B. Whaddya think? Should we stay and get used to Willie-Bob-Hank-Bubba and his dead demonic thing? Or should we go back to the city?

And by the way, if you need “protection” in your bait and beauty racket or maybe you’re having trouble with folks not payin’ up on time, I know people. Just say the word.—S.O. Prano (new resident makin’ a new start)

Dear Soppie: Obviously you ain’t from around here. Likely it will take you a while to get used to local customs and wildlife. Fortunately Rock Bottom Community College is once again offering it’s “Yankee Re-education” class for newcomers, wherein you will learn such points of Rock Bottom etiquette as the proper finger to use when returning the Bubba wave, what you can and cannot shoot from a moving vehicle, dumpster safety after dark, when to dumpster dive and when to refrain from doing so, what to do when the well runs dry (and where to do it), how to confront loose livestock, and lots of other stuff. These classes tend to fill up fast, so you’d best enroll early. You might also want to sign up for the “Hazardous Plant and Animal Recognition” class, in which you will learn what cute little furry critters you can approach and which you ought not to get near as well as what plants not to hike through (Note: Until you pass this class, do not let your kids pet any furry little black and white animals. They are not kittens. And any plant with three leaves you do not want to get involved with.) If your wife wants to blend in with the natives, tell her to make an appointment at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop and we’ll see what we can do. If she has a heavy accent, please let us know, so we can have a translator available.

Dear Ida B. We have moved to a really rural area of the county and I am worried about security. We can’t afford one of those fancy security systems. Do you have any ideas about how we can protect ourselves?—Worried

Dear Worried: As a matter of fact, I do. Some of my regular customers down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop were just talking about this. Seems one of them got an email with suggestions to get a pair of men’s boots, size 13 or 14, and leave them on the stoop next to a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine and several very large dog dishes. Then leave a note on the door that you will be back in an hour because you are out buying more ammo and not to go inside because the dawgs attacked the mailman again and you had to pen them up in the house. Now, some of us didn’t think this would leave a strong enough message. Here’s how we improved upon the original suggestion: Duct tape cameras to trees around your property. You might alternate camera placement with “No Trespassing” signs. Also, plant poison ivy around your property. It’s pretty and green and tends to discourage trespassers, or at least it will leave its mark on people who trespass. About 25 feet in from the cameras/signs/poison ivy, put up more signs that read, “If you can read this, you’re in range.” If you have open fields or a big yard, put up signs that say, “Mine Field. Not responsible for accidents.” On your stoop, put up another sign that says, “Walk softly so you won’t wake up the rattlesnakes.” That ought to get the message across to trespassers.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Halloween, Peasants, Tattoos, Kids, & Toilet Paper

This column was originally published on Oct. 31, 2007, in the Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where everybody is getting ready for Halloween, so they have just let themselves go and ain’t making any appointments for beauty services until after the fright season is over. When you’re sweating inside a gorilla mask for four or five hours, a new up-do is the last thing on your mind. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. Is Halloween a big deal in Rock Bottom like it is in big cities with all the parties, costumes, decorations, haunted houses, and trick-or-treating?—City Person

Dear City Slicker: Halloween is not a big deal in Rock Bottom because most Rock Bottomites do not generally get involved in anything requiring time, effort, or money. The exception, of course, is Christmas and that is only because they expect to get better presents than they give. Many Rock Bottom houses are already in various states of disrepair so they already look like haunted houses. Some might be actually haunted, but the owners do not make that fact known to potential buyers. As for costumes, residents generally find a look they like and stick with it no matter what. That is why you see so many Rock Bottom men still wearing pastel polyester leisure suits. My manicurist Honey Sue Sweetwater will not wear anything that doesn’t involve a halter-top, so this limits her choice of outfits, not that any of her regular male customers care. As for local teenagers, it is hard to tell if their purple hair, pierced body parts, and ripped clothes are actual costumes or just them trying to “find” themselves by looking funny. Members of the Rock Bottom Road Hunters Association sometimes try to pass their camo outfits off as costumes at Halloween, but many have never worn anything else so no one is convinced they in costume as a bush or a forest or whatever. Trick or treating does not go over well in Rock Bottom because too many folks have bad experiences with guys in masks demanding stuff from them. After you’ve handed over your 8-track player or your credit cards a time or two, you tend not to trust anybody knocking on your door for a handout. While there are plenty of folks out at Slick Water Lake who dress up in costumes and go to parties, what most Rock Bottomites do to celebrate Halloween is buy themselves a big sack of candy, lock their doors and turn out all the lights, and eat the whole sack themselves. This seems to work pretty good for all concerned.

Dear Ida B. A buddy of mine owns a game preserve in a remote area of the county, and he called me to come out and go hunting with him. My cell phone connection ain’t too clear, but I understood him to say we would be shooting red-neck peasants. Ain’t that illegal?—Just Checking

Dear JC: Is it possible he meant ring-necked pheasants? If so, you’re OK. However, if he is in a really remote area and he is feuding with his neighbors, you might want to decline his invitation because of possible legal implications.

Dear Ida B. At age 89 I married a young chick about 78. I don’t know too much about her, except that she lost a lot of weight before we met. She has a lot of tattoos that have gotten so saggy, I can’t tell what they say. They might be the names of former husbands. How can I find out whose names they are without coming right out and asking? She might take offense and then the honeymoon would be over. I thought about kinda stretching her skin out when she is asleep, but the problem is I fall asleep before she does.—Curious

Dear Curious: If all you got to do is wonder what your bride’s tattoos say, I would say the honeymoon is pretty much over. Especially if you’re sleeping through most of it.

Dear Ida B. I have moved down here to Slick Water Lake and really love it. However, my kids and their families stayed up north. How can I convince them to move down here? Having to drive all that way to see the grandkids is a hassle.—Jaz

Dear Jaz: You gotta be kidding, right? Most Slick Water Lakers ask me for advice on how to keep their kids from finding them. Some have even joined the witness protection program, changed their names, etc. However, if you want to attract your kids, my suggestion is offer them money. Lots of it. Few kids can resist the lure of money. If that doesn’t work, maybe you can arrange to have the grandchildren shipped to you. If they are teenagers, their parents are probably at wit’s end and would do anything to get rid of them until they’re old enough to ship off to college. Other than that, I am stumped. Maybe some of my loyal readers will write in with suggestions.

Dear Ida B. I read in the paper that toilet paper prices were rising as of January. Now I have a large family and this will affect me in a big way. Here’s how I plan to save: Every time one of the kids needs to “go,” I will tell him to go to a friend’s house and ask to use the facilities. If all six kids only go at somebody else’s house, that saves me a roll right there. What do you think of that?—Flushed with Excitement

Dear Tightwad: Not much. If you got six kids, all of them probably has a half dozen or so friends each. The parents of all those friends will likely send their kids to your house to “go.” Do the math here. Any savings you thought you might have will be down the drain.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

Limp Hair, Heavy Metal, & Costly Book Reviews

This column was originally published in the Smith Mountain Eagle on Oct 17, 2007

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where most of whatever there is to do has mostly been done, so folks have headed somewhere else to do other things. However, if you stuck in Rock Bottom and want to fix yourself up so you don’t look like a fright at Halloween, give us a call down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop and we’ll see what we can do. This time of the year we generally have plenty of openings. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. The other day I was en route to a business meeting when I noticed that my hair was a little limp. Knowing that I had to look my best at the presentation I was about to make, I figured I could swing by home and use my curling iron to freshen my hairdo and maybe spritz on a little more hairspray. Well, no sooner than I walked in the front door, I heard all kinds of giggling and carrying on from the upstairs bathroom. Since my husband works second shift, I figured he’d just watched a funny TV show before showering. Well, when I walked in, I not only found my husband but also my best friend Poovie Mae and they were—well, words fail me, Ida B. Anyhow, after slinging my can of hairspray at Poovie Mae and knocking out her front tooth, which caused me to get splattered with blood, I ran out of there and backed my convertible out of the driveway and right into a garbage truck, which dumped its load on top of me (I had the top down). While the cop was writing me a ticket for reckless driving, my cellphone rang and it was the school saying my son skipped class to go shop-lifting. Well, I was late to my meeting and lost my job. Ida B., what should I do?—Distraught

Dear Distraught: If I was you, I’d make make an appointment right away for a body perm here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. If you’d done that earlier you wouldn’t be in such a mess. Also, ain’t nothing like a new hair-do to brighten your outlook.

Dear Ida B. What do you think of heavy metal?—Luvs It Loud

Dear Loud Luver: I like heavy metal for lawn furniture. That plastic stuff just don’t hold up as good. I’ve got some heavy metal chairs I’ve owned for over three decades, and it still looks as good as new, except for a dent in one where I threw it at one of my ex-husbands. I also like heavy metal bumpers on vehicles. If you happen to collide with escaped livestock, that heavy metal bumper can be a lifesaver. Well, for you, not the livestock. I don’t care for heavy metal hair curlers, though. We tried them once down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, and they weighed down customers’ heads too much and left rust marks on their scalps. Then there was that unfortunate thunderstorm when one of our customers had a full head of heavy metal curlers when the lightning struck, but I’m not at liberty to talk about that until after the case is settled. Consequently, we sold most of our remaining heavy metal curlers to be used as fishing sinkers, and folks seem to think they worked real well.

Dear Ida B. I have wrote a book while I was doing time—uh, when I had a lot of time on my hands, and when I had access to the printing facilities at the place where I was staying for 2 to 4 (but I got time off for good behavior!), I sorta self-published, though you might say my printing costs were underwrote by the government. Anyhow, I’ve got a thousand copies under my bed, or at least what I don’t have in the back of my pick-up on any given day. It is real tiring selling books off the side of the road, especially with the cops stopping by so often. Ida B., I know you have wrote some books, so I am now wondering if you could give me some advice on how to sell my book of existential poems that will touch your heart, “Although Mama Tried, It Was Incarceration That Adjusted My Attitude, or Zen and the Art of Making License Plates.”—Time Out

Dear Doing Time: Yes, it is true that I have written some books, and I have found that folks don’t buy books they have never heard of, but of course everybody who comes into Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop is given the opportunity to buy my books. Now the other day, our local poet, Anna Motter Peyah, who often conducts classes in written expression of the poetical kind at the Rock Bottom Institute of Livestock and Literary Management, has branched out. Since her classes in the “Passion of Poetry and De-Horning Cattle” hadn’t filled up the way she wanted, she had to get a part-time job as the person who writes up orders over at the Rock Bottom Automotive Repair Shop. Anyhow, she has a lot of time on her hands, since it don’t take long to write, “Fix this transmission by Tuesday,” which is what she has to write since her longer poetical attempts weren’t appreciated because no mechanic wants to read: “The Chevy is red, the tire is flat, the gas tank is leaky, can you fix that?” Anyhow, she has gone into the book review business. For $25 she will write a review and post it on bathroom walls in at least five Rock Bottom establishments. Her reviews all tend to be the same: “(Title) by (author) is a must read for anyone who wants (pick one: to have his or her heart or other major organ touched/to have a good laugh/to have a good cry/to read something that don’t have big words). If this is the sort of book you like, you will like this book.” You might want to look into her services. Then again, you might not.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

~

Rats, Education, & Gas

This column was originally published in the Smith Mountain Eagle on Oct. 3, 2007.

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where ain’t much happening this week, so lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I understand that over in Big Mall City they are having problems with rats in their schools. Does Rock Bottom have a rat problem?—E. Eking

Dear Eek: Well, the little rats in the Rock Bottom schools generally drop out at an early age, but some of the rats I’ve been married to have been—oh, were you maybe referring to the 4-legged kind? In that case, Rock Bottom rats ain’t a problem; they’re a solution. The Rock Bottom schools have found creative ways to deal with their rats. In the elementary schools, each classroom has its own dog, either a Jack Russell or a rat terrier, which takes care of problems that arise and provide an interesting science lesson in survival of the fittest, fastest, and bittingest. When not dealing with rats, these feisty little dogs also help with classroom discipline. It only takes a few nips to the ankles to let a rowdy kid know he’d better stay in his seat.

At Rock Bottom Middle School, each class maintains a spirit rat, which they dress in class colors and use to compete against other class rats. Teachers decided that class rats provided the perfect way to introduce students to the rat race. Consequently, rat races are especially popular, and figuring odds and handicaps is a fun way for the kids to learn advanced math skills. While a few kids on the football team had been holding rat fights out behind the bleachers, this has been stopped and the rats involved are being patched up and rehabilitated.

At the high school, rats are used in the family life skills class. Used to, every gal in the class was assigned an egg, which she had to pretend was a baby and carry it around and tend to its supposed needs. That did not work too good, because some of them egg-babies got slung at other kids and a few got scrambled for the next day’s breakfast. By the end of the first week, there wasn’t an uncracked egg-baby left. Then, the school changed to having the gals haul around 10-pound sacks of flour, but those flour-babies left a dusting wherever they was sat.

When a bunch of the gals left their flour babies setting on a cafeteria table and returned to find the cafeteria ladies had used them to bake pizza crust, the family life teachers didn’t know what to do until the cafeteria ladies complained about the rat problem. The janitor trapped a bunch of rats and—since they looked too cute to get rid of—the teachers just assigned one to each gal to be her class project in baby care.

Well, it took a while, but eventually the gals really took to them rats. They made them little rat outfits in home ec and taught them tricks in physical education. Some even put ’em in strollers and rolled ’em all over town. If you think they’re not learning proper baby-handling skills, you just try putting a Huggie on a squirming rat. Any gal who can master that skill is prepared for the worst that a toddler can throw at her. At first, parents weren’t too thrilled with having to house and support the rats, but some of the daddies decided the rats, which the girls took with them on dates, were a good idea. Any boy who let his hand wander where it ought not to be was immediately bitten, and the bite marks were proof to the gals’ daddies that the boys were up to no good.

So, while some schools consider rats a liability, in the Rock Bottom schools, rats are considered an asset.

Dear Ida B. Been reading in daily RagStar that purchasing power of our 17 cent per gallon gasoline tax is being "eroded" by inflation. We need a gas tax increase to keep up! Not sure about this erosion thing, but seems to me that if we purchase more gallons of gasoline year to year, then somebody (at the state capital?) gets more and more gasoline tax revenue year to year. More and more gas tax revenue to waste (sorry) no matter what hillside that inflation thing is eroding. —E.T. at Buck Run on Slick Water Lake

Dear ET: For some reason, I want to tell you to phone home. Could be your wife is looking for you. Anyhow, I would not worry about erosion out at Slick Water Lake. It is part of the economy. Every time erosion opens up a gully and it fills with water, a gang of real estate agents start calling it a cove, give it a fancy name, charge inflated prices for lots on either side of it, and sell those lots to yankees who think they’re getting a good deal. Then, when that gully dries up and fills with junk, those realtors will sell the yankees another lot on another gully with another fancy name at an even higher inflated price. If the gully is real big, then some out-of-state developer moves in, bulldozes everything off, builds condos, and sells those at even more inflated prices. All those realtors use a lot of gas driving around, and so do all those yankees who are looking for their retirement homes. Plus they will use more and more gas to drive their big SUVs miles to find somewhere to shop because it is hard to squeeze a shopping center in those gullies. If folks at the state capital get a cut, that is just how the wealth is spread around. Basically, this is how the economy works at Slick Water Lake. If they ever run out of yankees or eroded gullies, the whole economy will likely collapse.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Thanks to ET for letter #2. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

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