Paris Hilton, Diapers, & Anger Management

This column originally appeared in the April 4, 2007, edition of The Smith Mountain Eagle.

Howdy, Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop where our April Fool’s Day special has expired. However, since a lot of Rock Bottomites have foolish tendencies year-round, I don’t guess it much matters. Now, lessee what foolishness we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B: See, I need to get a job. I been living with my parents in their singlewide, which gets kinda cramped at times, since I took my GED 'cause school was SO boring. What I'd really like to do is get the kinda job that Paris Hilton has. I can get you to bleach my hair (right now, I have these totally cool blue streaks in it) and get bright blue contacts. I'm not as skinny as Paris Hilton, but I can hold a cellphone up to my ear, look sideways, and carry my dog in a big canvas bag. (It would have to be awful big, since my dog keeps growing.) Somebody told me that Paris gets paid millions of dollars just to show up at some bar opening, since the media go crazy to take her picture and mention that she showed up. That's ALL she has to do! Just show up, smile, look sideways, and talk on her cellphone. How cool a job is THAT? So, where do I apply?—Pearis(burg) Motel 6

Dear P-burg: This is not a real good vocational choice for several reasons. For one thing, you got to live in a big city to do this job effectively. In Rock Bottom, nobody will notice if I bleach your hair, since a high percentage of the Rock Bottom women sport bleached hair themselves. (Note: a lot of them have sworn me to secrecy about it.) Toting a dog ain’t worthy of notice here. Quite a few Rock Bottomites tote around several species of both domestic animals and livestock, since bringing them in to the vet clinic is a darn sight cheaper than having a vet make house call, and nobody gives them a second look. All the kids at rock Bottom High have cellphones against their ears, and nobody can figure out why, since Rock Bottom don’t even have cellphone service. We don’t need it because the town is so small all you got to do is holler and somebody will hear you. Also, Paris Hilton is from one of those big-time hotel families which means she is not only rich plus she can stay free in just about any city since her daddy owns the hotels there. Naturally other folks want to be friends with her in case some of that money rubs off, or at least so they can carry away some of those little motel soaps whenever they get a chance. Now, if you want to get paid for attending a bar opening, there are a couple on the outskirts of Rock Bottom that might be interested if you are skilled at pole-dancing. They don’t pay much, but the manager of one (who would not give his name) said you get to meet lots of interesting and friendly people and lots of them would take pictures of you, but he wanted to make sure you were at least 18 because he can’t afford to get shut down again. All you have to do is show up when the bar opens every night and start dancing.

Dear Ida B: Can y'all tell me where I can buy some of those NASA 900-mile diapers? My Great Aunt Sally Annabelle Lee shore could use a supply. She likes to drive to the Dollar Store and then go out with her lady friends for a lunch, then go grocery shopping. Well, these days, she's had to figure out where all the restrooms are located, the ones with no lines waiting. Thanks for your help!—Bubba

Dear Bubba: It is highly unlikely that your elderly aunt covers 900-miles in a day. You could probably get by with getting her some of the 50-milers, although her mileage may vary. If she’s having trouble finding restrooms, you might want to get her some glasses so she can read the signs. Or, you might consider buying a porta-pottie and installing it in the bed of her pick-up truck. For what works best in her situation, it all depends.

Dear Ida B. After I lost my cool and punched another hole all the way through the doublewide again, my current wife said I’d have to go get counseling or she’d get a dee-vorce. I can’t afford to pay alimony to another ex, so I went. The counselor told me I had to channel my anger. Well, Ida B., I looked all through the TV section and I couldn’t find the anger channel. Is it one of them pay-per-view ones?—Good Ol’ Boy

Dear GOB: You might say that. At least you’re gonna pay plenty if your wife ever talks to my dee-vorce lawyer, Maycomb Philmore Payne. It you don’t shape up, I’m gonna give her his phone number (I get a kick-back on referrals) the next time she comes in for her shampoo and set. Now if you need an outlet to work off your aggression and you really need to punch something, Rosie Bunz down at the Rock Bottom Bakery and Tanning Salon says you can come in and punch down the bread dough after it’s risen the first time. She’s been breaking too many fingernails when she does it and customers have complained about the crunchy things in the bread. She doesn’t think they’ll believe her much longer when she tells them it’s added fiber, so you can provide a needed service. This can be a win-win situation for both of you.

Well, that’s it for another go-round. (Thanks to MH for the inspiration!) Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.