Saturday, January 03, 2009

Resolutions, Running Around, & Body Art

This was originally published on January 9, 2008.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are having our annual New Year’s sale on old bait and old hair products. You can save a bundle on whatever we got that is about to expire or that won’t survive another freezing and thawing if the power goes off again. Also, we are running our regular “New Year, New You, New Start” special on complete make-overs, wherein you won’t even know yourself by the time we get done with you. Neither will most of your friends or relatives, so it gives y’all a good chance to upgrade to a higher class of acquaintances or avoid all those pesky in-laws what was giving you grief if that is what you want to do. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I always have trouble keeping my New Year’s resolutions. Do you have any ideas how I can keep them?—Temptation

Dear Tempted: If you resolve to get your hair done weekly at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait shop, we will call to remind you several times of your appointment. That should be an easy resolution to keep. Otherwise, you have two options: You should just resolve to do things that you want to do anyhow, or you should resolve not to make any resolutions.

Dear Ida B. I suspected my current wife Lu-Rhetta June was running around on me, and when I heard from a mostly reliable source (her previous husband) that she was seeing some man out at Slick Water Lake, I got in my boat and went to check things out. Well, Ida B, after I’d found a place in a little cove to watch from, I could see pretty plain through them big winders what they was doing. To start off, they was drinking beer out of a glass, which seems like a big waste on account the bottles are so convenient. I figgered that man she was with weren’t up to no good, because he poured the beer for her hisself rather than making her serve him. After they’d had a few beers, they commenced to dancing, and they danced closer and closer. It was hard to tell who was which, they was so close-dancing. Then I saw something that I just couldn’t believe! It surprised me so much I like have swallered my chaw right in mid-chew! All around my boat were the biggest durn stripers I ever seen! Musta been fifteen or twenty—all trophy size! Well, my chaw kindly stuck in my throat, so I commenced to coughing. That caused the fish to swim away and the man to close the blinds. What I need to know, Ida B, is what is the best bait to use for fish that big? I plan to take my rod and a whole bucket of bait the next time I suspect Lu-Rhetta June of running around. I can always get another wife, but it’s not often I get a chance to catch a really big fish.—Anxious

Dear Anxious: You are in luck! Down here at Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop, we are currently running our clearance special on our winter stock, so we can give you a big bucket of all our most popular bait. We will give you enough red worms, night crawlers, crawdads, and I don’t know what all, that will meet all your bait needs for any circumstance. No matter how picky them Slick Water stripers might be, there will surely be something in the bucket that will appeal to them. As for Lu-Rhetta June, you might tell her to come on down to Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop for a new look to make her more appealing, too.

Dear Ida B. My boy Bubba, Jr. wants to get hisself tattooed. I have told him that this is a mistake and he will regret it, but he says all the other over-age kids in 7th grade have body art and he feels left out. He wants to be a trend-setter as well as a crowd follower. What should I do?—Concerned Mama

Dear Ma: Sometimes you gotta let kids make one mistake so they don’t make a lot more. It helps if you can control the mistake to make it more of a learning experience. If he wants to follow the trend of body art while at the same time also setting a trend, he will be in an awkward position. Therefore, what I recommend you do is take him down to Rock Bottom Livestock Supply and Body Art Emporium and have him get their “branding” special. This particular procedure is much faster and cheaper than a tattoo. Granted they don’t have a lot of designs to choose from, but they use genuine antique branding irons, it is quick—and mostly germ-free because of the high heat required, and I can pretty much guarantee you that your boy won’t want to go through the process ever again. The price will be based on how many employees are required to hold him down during the procedure, but it will still be cheaper than a tattoo.

That’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

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