Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Big Bang, Texts, & Benefits

Even though I no longer have a column, every so often I get an idea for a Peevish Advice letter. Besides, I kinda miss Ida B, bless her heart. So—here's Ida B.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom US of A, where we running an extension of our pre-Halloween “If your hair's a fright, we can make it right” special, because we know y’all don't want to scare them little trick-or-treaters too bad, especially the ones who forgot what day it was and are likely to appear on your doorstep any time within the next couple of weeks. Now lessee what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. What can you tell me about the lockdown the other day at Rock Bottom High School? I heard someone was spotted with a gun. Were them kids in any danger?—Concerned Parent

Dear Over-protective Mama: The kids were fine. According to principal Alma Motter, someone indeed was spotted with a gun, but it was the PE teacher who was carrying a starter pistol for the beginning of a track meet. Somebody (who obviously ain't from around here) got panicky and called Sheriff Chase Crook and his deputy Barney Smurf (our man in blue) who rounded up all the student spectators and locked them in the gym while they investigated. Meanwhile, since the starter's pistol didn't have any bullets in it, the PE teacher just yelled "Bang!" and the track team took off. When the team saw the police cruisers, they just kept running and never returned to school property. Then, the sheriff and his deputy left, but they forgot to unlock the gym and the kids inside had to spend the night. The school received lots of calls thanking them for keeping the kids so the parents could have a little peace and quiet at home. 

Dear Ida B. I hear tell that Rev. Al E. Looyah over at Rock Bottom Church of the Surging Inner Spirit is gonna make some improvements in how he delivers his sermon. What do you know about this?—Tired of Falling Asleep During the Sermon

Dear Sleepy: It is true. Rev. Al figures his sermons might do better on YouTube and reach a wider audience, plus he can write off his new video camera as a business expense. As soon as he figures how to pass the collection plate to his virtual viewers, he will go that route. Meanwhile, he has already made one improvement by delivering his sermons as text messages. Most of the parishioners what weren't asleep were so busy texting each other during his sermon that it didn't take much to figure out how to get them more involved. Of course, when everybody's cell rings at the same time, it can get kinda loud, so about mid-week, parishioners need to go to the church website and download a hymn that will be their ring-tone for the following Sunday. This works out nicely, and the church was able to let the organist go which saved a lot of money. And Rev. Al was able to write off his iPhone as a business expense. BLS U 4 ASKN.

Dear Ida B. For the last couple of months, I have been keeping company with the widower down the road—mainly going to Bingo nights at the Rock Bottom Church of the Surging Inner Spirit and maybe to a tractor pull or two if they're close by and don't cost much. However, he told me the other night that he enjoys my friendship, but he'd like me to be a "friend with benefits." He had a gleam in his eye when he said this. Does that mean he will give me some of his Social Security benefits or does it mean I will have to give him some of mine. Those are the only benefits that either of us has. Please advise. —Widow Woman

Dear Widder: Since your friend is a man, it stands to reason that anything he wants will primarily benefit him and not you. Most likely the benefits he has in mind are that he will want you to cook for him, do his laundry, clean his house, feed his dawgs when he is gone on an extended fishing trip, and possibly trim his nose hair. I don't think he will get your social security benefits, but I could be wrong.

Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.

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