Thursday, November 03, 2011

Occupation & Chores

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida's Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop located in Rock Bottom, US of A, where we are currently running our pre-Thanksgiving makeover special, "Turkeys Are to be Served and not Looked Like," wherein we'll get you fit for the big day so nobody can talk about you behind your back the following day. Now let's see what we got in the mail:

Dear Ida B. I just heard that a gang of people were gathered down on Main Street. What's with that? Did I miss something good?—Left Out

Dear Lefty: You didn't miss much. Mavis Peabody, who thinks she is one of the more progressive Rock Bottom citizens, heard about how folks was occupying Wall Street and getting their picture in the paper for doing it and thought that folks ought to do something like that in Rock Bottom. It didn't take long until a bunch of her friends got together and stood down on Main Street where it dead-ends and where they weren't likely to get hit by cars or anything. It wasn't long until other folks noticed and joined them. In the meantime, after no reporters had showed up to cover the occupation, Mavis got the idea that they should shut down some corporations the way they try to do in big city occupations. Unfortunately, There are no corporations to be found anywhere close to Rock Bottom, so they persuaded the Rock Bottom Tip-Top Diner to close as well as the Rock Bottom General Store and the livestock market. It was kind of a slow day for those businesses anyhow on account the occupiers had taken all the parking spaces.

After they'd stood there for a couple more hours and nothing much happened and no reporters showed up, somebody mentioned that the Wall Street Occupiers held up signs saying they were the 99 per cent, so somebody else got some cardboard and magic markers and commenced making signs. Everybody agreed that nothing in Rock Bottom ranks in the 99th per cent of anything, so they decided 25 per cent was a good enough number to put on the signs. After they stood there holding signs for another hour or so, they got thirsty and hungry, so they went to the Rock Bottom Tip-Top Diner but it was closed. A few folks decided to go home for lunch and didn't come back.

 While the remaining the occupiers stood there, it started raining, so they all ran into the Rock Bottom General Store where they planned to buy umbrellas, but it was closed. Fortunately, the rain let up in another hour or so, but the humidity was high and it was hot. Since the employees at the Rock Bottom Stock Market had gone home, nobody was left to shovel up after the couple hundred cows and pigs that were there, and things really heated up and started to stink.

Finally somebody asked Mavis why the folks occupied Wall Street in the first place. She had to admit she had no idea. Luckily, some kid had one of them iPats and patted it until the Internet appeared and they learned the answer: Them New Yawk folks wanted jobs. Well, that didn't go over too good on Main Street on account most Rock Bottomites will avoid work whenever they can, although a lot of them don't mind watching other folks do it. Consequently, everybody went home where they planned to occupy their recliners and watch TV.

Dear Ida B. I was out sweeping my sidewalk today when a van pulled up and two guys got out and said they'd like to vacuum my carpet. Now, I thought it was a little odd that their van didn't have the name of a company on it and didn't even have license plates. I told them I wasn't interested. did I do the right thing?—Wondering

Dear Wonder: Yep. There is no telling what might have happened if you let them in the house. We discussed this for a time down here at Ida's Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop. My manicurist, Honey Sue Sweetwater, told how she handled those guys when they came to her daddy's place last week and told her that they could make her household chores a lot easier. Then they asked if they could come in a vacuum her carpet. In her sweetest voice, Honey Sue said, "Why, sure I'd love to have you guys come in and show me what you can do." Then she winked and continued, "But first, I promised my daddy I'd help him do one or two outside chores. Do y'all reckon you could help me just a mite?" Them two guys nodded and she handed each one a bucket of slop and told them to follow her to the hog-pen, which they did. After they'd slopped the hogs, she handed them pitchforks and had them muck out the cowshed. Then she had them feed the chickens and gather eggs, and she was real sorry that the rooster attacked them. When they got back to the house, her daddy was on the porch with his shotgun and made it clear to them guys that they weren't to hang around his little gal anymore. After he fired a blast into the side of their van, they took off. Honey Sue was real happy that she didn't have to mess up her manicure by doing the chores that day. She did feel a little guilty that she didn't tell them that there ain't no carpet in her daddy's house, though.

Well, that's it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap and my advice is free. (Unless you want it between the covers—of a book, that is. If so, go to Amazon.com, where you will find Peevish Advice here, and More Peevish Advice here.)

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Big Bang, Texts, & Benefits

Even though I no longer have a column, every so often I get an idea for a Peevish Advice letter. Besides, I kinda miss Ida B, bless her heart. So—here's Ida B.

Howdy! Ida B. Peevish coming at you from Ida’s Salon of Beauty & Live Bait Shop in the heart of downtown Rock Bottom US of A, where we running an extension of our pre-Halloween “If your hair's a fright, we can make it right” special, because we know y’all don't want to scare them little trick-or-treaters too bad, especially the ones who forgot what day it was and are likely to appear on your doorstep any time within the next couple of weeks. Now lessee what we got in the mail:


Dear Ida B. What can you tell me about the lockdown the other day at Rock Bottom High School? I heard someone was spotted with a gun. Were them kids in any danger?—Concerned Parent


Dear Over-protective Mama: The kids were fine. According to principal Alma Motter, someone indeed was spotted with a gun, but it was the PE teacher who was carrying a starter pistol for the beginning of a track meet. Somebody (who obviously ain't from around here) got panicky and called Sheriff Chase Crook and his deputy Barney Smurf (our man in blue) who rounded up all the student spectators and locked them in the gym while they investigated. Meanwhile, since the starter's pistol didn't have any bullets in it, the PE teacher just yelled "Bang!" and the track team took off. When the team saw the police cruisers, they just kept running and never returned to school property. Then, the sheriff and his deputy left, but they forgot to unlock the gym and the kids inside had to spend the night. The school received lots of calls thanking them for keeping the kids so the parents could have a little peace and quiet at home. 

Dear Ida B. I hear tell that Rev. Al E. Looyah over at Rock Bottom Church of the Surging Inner Spirit is gonna make some improvements in how he delivers his sermon. What do you know about this?—Tired of Falling Asleep During the Sermon

Dear Sleepy: It is true. Rev. Al figures his sermons might do better on YouTube and reach a wider audience, plus he can write off his new video camera as a business expense. As soon as he figures how to pass the collection plate to his virtual viewers, he will go that route. Meanwhile, he has already made one improvement by delivering his sermons as text messages. Most of the parishioners what weren't asleep were so busy texting each other during his sermon that it didn't take much to figure out how to get them more involved. Of course, when everybody's cell rings at the same time, it can get kinda loud, so about mid-week, parishioners need to go to the church website and download a hymn that will be their ring-tone for the following Sunday. This works out nicely, and the church was able to let the organist go which saved a lot of money. And Rev. Al was able to write off his iPhone as a business expense. BLS U 4 ASKN.


Dear Ida B. For the last couple of months, I have been keeping company with the widower down the road—mainly going to Bingo nights at the Rock Bottom Church of the Surging Inner Spirit and maybe to a tractor pull or two if they're close by and don't cost much. However, he told me the other night that he enjoys my friendship, but he'd like me to be a "friend with benefits." He had a gleam in his eye when he said this. Does that mean he will give me some of his Social Security benefits or does it mean I will have to give him some of mine. Those are the only benefits that either of us has. Please advise. —Widow Woman


Dear Widder: Since your friend is a man, it stands to reason that anything he wants will primarily benefit him and not you. Most likely the benefits he has in mind are that he will want you to cook for him, do his laundry, clean his house, feed his dawgs when he is gone on an extended fishing trip, and possibly trim his nose hair. I don't think he will get your social security benefits, but I could be wrong.


Well, that’s it for this go-round. Remember, you get what you pay for, talk is cheap, and my advice is free.
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